THE BIG REVEAL

COMEDY / HOLIDAY

By Rich Kern

1

EXT. SANTA'S WORKSHOP. A MOVIE SET.

(ALL are in Christmas costumes standing in a semicircle. There are Elves, Reindeer, and others. BANDIT is held by two policemen with hands behind back. Action music fades.)

PROTAG

Well I guess that’s a wrap for you, Stocking Bandit. Now let’s see who you really were all along!

BANDIT

No wait wait wait. Try another one.

PROTAG

Alright… um… Looks like we caught you red handed, let’s see who is under that Santa hat now!

BANDIT

Stop stop, look this is important. This is the final reveal you have to do better. Really gotta make it sexy.

ELF NUMBER 3

Sexy? This is a G-rated Christmas hijinx movie. Sexy?

BANDIT

Charming.

PROTAG

OK Charming… um… Looks like your Holiday Magic has run-

BANDIT

-Because people are going to be shocked at the reveal.

DASHER

I really think they’ve probably put it together by now. They’re kids not idiots.

ELF NUMBER 3

Yeah I mean they just heard your sneaky theme song.

PROTAG

We got you Bandit! I bet you wish you weren’t present for this one.

DASHER

(groaning) Are you kidding me? That’s the worst one yet.

(He lights a cigarette.)

2

ELF NUMBER 3

Hey! Kids Movie! No Smoking!

DASHER

(blowing) What, these are snow clouds.

BANDIT

Try something with stockings.

ELF NUMBER 3

Put it out.

DASHER

It’s medicinal, you tool.

PROTAG

OK how bout this? Looks like you really stepped in it this time Bandit!

BANDIT

Hey that’s a good one because the ladder broke, and I fell off it. Yeah I like that.

PRANCER

Isn’t that a continuity error? I thought the ladder broke when the Dad was hanging decorations in the beginning. Did they get a new ladder?

PROTAG

Yeah you're right.

BANDIT

Yeah ok, but it's good for different reasons then.

DASHER

(puffs) You probably need to fix that error with dialogue midway through the movie.

BANDIT

Mmm... Yeah let’s have the neighbor ask for his borrowed ladder back.

DASHER

Borrowed ladder that looks worn and aged exactly like the one that broke in beginning of the movie. How many ladders does the neighbor have? That doesn't even make sense.

ELF NUMBER 3

That’s why I said we should shoot in order or get a props manager.

3

PROTAG

OK, then what do we do here, does he just fall a different way?

BANDIT

I can't think. It’s getting hot in my mask.

DASHER

Your job to figure out, you’re the writer.

BANDIT

I’m not the writer.

PROTAG

Then who is the writer?

ELF NUMBER 3

I thought you were.

PROTAG

Me? I mean I have a few ideas and I’m relatable I suppose, but I’m not the writer.

BANDIT

What about the friend character who is forced to write that holiday children’s book. You know, from back in the cafe scene? His job is a writer in the story, he’s probably the writer, someone should go ask him.

PRANCER

That's not his job, he's just trapped in that small town until he can learn a lesson about generosity and decorate a tree.

BANDIT

Oh! I could fall out of a tree!

DASHER

Don’t you see, you fools?

(They all stare at DASHER, waiting.)

4

DASHER (Cont'd)

Hold on I have to put this out to punctuate my point, because I have a deep depth of understanding even though I am somewhat aloof.

(He puts out his cigarette and rubs a hoof on it.)

The writer is in all of us. Each of us possess a little bit of who the writer is. We can’t be anything he doesn’t make us to be. In a way it is a beautiful thing that I’ve just now come to realize at the end of the scene. We are not just characters. We are united by-

(The fake snow catches fire and spreads to Santa’s Workshop It collapses.)

(All but Elf Number 3 exit in terror. He rocks and forth in a fetal position. Flames surround him.)

ELF NUMBER 3

(voice fading) Kids movie… kids movie… kids movie…

(End Scene.)