Antiplay Collection

AT RISE: All the characters are standing around in a semicircle facing the camera. Everyone is dressed in Christmas constumes, as an Elf or Reindeer, etc. The BANDIT is held by two policemen with hands behind back. The action music fades off. PROTAG: Well I guess that’s a wrap for you, Stocking Bandit. Now let’s see who you really were all along! BANDIT: No wait wait wait. Try another one. PROTAG: Alright… um… Looks like we caught you red handed, let’s see who is under that santa hat now! BANDIT: Stop stop, look this is important. This is the final reveal you have to do better. Really gotta make it sexy. ELF NUMBER 3: Sexy? This is a Christmas mystery movie. Sexy? BANDIT: Charming. PROTAG: OK Charming… um… Looks like your Holiday Magic has run- BANDIT: -Because people are going to be shocked at the reveal. DASHER: I really think they’ve probably put it together by now. They’re kids not idiots. ELF NUMBER 3: Yeah I mean they just heard your sneaky theme song. PROTAG: We got you Bandit! I bet you wish you weren’t present for this one. DASHER: (Groaning) Are you kidding me? That’s the worst one yet. (He takes off his reindeer mask and lights a cigarette.) ELF NUMBER 3: Hey! KIDS MOVIE! No Smoking! DASHER: (blowing) What, these are snow clouds. BANDIT: Try something with stockings. ELF NUMBER 3: Put it out. PROTAG: Looks like you really stepped in it this time Bandit! DASHER: It’s medicinal, you tool. BANDIT: Hey that’s a good one because the ladder broke, and I fell off it. Yeah I like that. PRANCER: Isn’t that a continuity error? I thought the ladder broke when the Dad was hanging decorations in the beginning. Did they get a new ladder? PROTAG: Yeah your right. BANDIT: Yeah ok, but its good for different reasons then. DASHER: (puffs) You probably need to fix that error with dialogue midway through the movie. BANDIT: Mmm.. Yeah let’s have the neighbor ask for his borrowed ladder back. DASHER: Borrowed ladder that looks exactly like the one from the beginning of the movie. How many ladders does the neighbor have? That doesn't even make sense. ELF NUMBER 3: That’s why I said we should shoot in order or get a props manager. PROTAG: OK, then what do we do here, does he just fall a different way? BANDIT: Let me think, it’s getting hot in my mask. DASHER: Your job to figure out, you’re the writer. BANDIT: I’m not the writer. PROTAG: Then who is the writer? ELF NUMBER 3: I thought you were. PROTAG: Me? I mean I have a few ideas and I’m relatable I suppose, but I’m not the writer. BANDIT: What about the friend character who is writing a children’s book back in the cafe scene? His job is a writer in the story, he’s probably the writer, someone should go ask him. DASHER: Don’t you see, you fools? (They all stare at DASHER, waiting.) Hold on I have to put this out to punctuate my point, because I have a deep depth of understanding even though I am somewhat aloof. (He puts out his cigarette and rubs his foot on top of it.) The writer is in all of us. Each of us possess a little bit of who the writer is. We can’t be anything he doesn’t make us to be. In a way it is a beautiful thing that I’ve just now come to realize at the end of the scene. We are not just characters we are united by- (The fake snow catches on fire and spreads rapidly as they all panic, and flee. Santa’s Workshop is left in shambles.) (Zoom in on Elf Number 3. He is rocking back and forth in a fetal position. Flames surround him.) ELF NUMBER 3: (voice fading out as he repeats himself) Kids movie… kids movie… kids movie…

(The line of people move through the theme park’s gate.) (Tina and Tommy are sitting on the bench.) Tina: Hey maybe he is on this next one. Tommy: I hope so. (A bus pulls up and a crowd of people get off the bus.) Tina: Hmmm… no ‘Fishy Friends’. Tommy: No Sea Friends!. Tina: Sea Friends, sorry. (The line of people move through the theme park’s gate.) (Tina and Tommy are sitting on the bench.) Tina: Hey maybe he is on this next one. Tommy: I hope so. (A bus pulls up and a crowd of people get off the bus.) Tommy: Just regular people again. Tina: And the one sparkly guy. Tommy: Do you think we are in the right spot? Tina: We have to be. This is how everyone goes in. (Pause.) Tommy: Oh he’s not coming is he? Tina: He’ll be here, Franky Fish ALWAYS FINDS HIS FRIENDS! Tommy: It’s Freddy Fish! Hey! Stop wrinkling my drawing! Tina: Sorry sorry! (The line of people move through the theme park’s gate.) (Tina and Tommy are sitting on the bench.) Tina: Hey maybe he is on this next one. Tommy: I hope so. (A bus pulls up and a crowd of people get off the bus.) Tina: Maybe one of those guys is really him? Tommy: What do you mean? Those are people not Sea Friends. Tina: Tommy, you do know that they are just… Tommy: Just what? (Pause) (The line of people move through the theme park’s gate.) (Tina and Tommy are sitting on the bench.) Tina: Hey maybe he is on this next one. Tommy: I hope so. (A bus pulls up and a crowd of people get off the bus.) (Pause) Tina: Dammit. Tommy: Momma says you’re not supposed to use bad words. Tina: You’re not the boss of me. Tommy: Well you’re not the boss of me being the boss of you. Tina: Ok ok. I won’t use bad words. Tommy: Tina? Tina: Yeah? Tommy: What to you mean? How could one of those guys be Freddy Fish? Tina: Just nevermind Tommy. Tommy: Momma says questions are good. You’re supposed to tell me. (One person cuts to the front of the line carrying a large duffel bag. Tina moves so that Tommy’s back is to him.) Tina: Hey, so tell me about your drawing again. Tommy: Oh! Freddy will like it! See there’s you and me and momma and daddy. And Freddy and Buster and Twinkles! Tina: Everyone looks so happy! Tommy: We are going to the rocket ship! See! Sea Friends never go to space so I want to show them the planets! Tina: That’s great! (The line of people move through the theme park’s gate.) (Tina and Tommy are sitting on the bench.) Tina: Hey maybe he is on this next one. Tommy: I hope so. (A bus pulls up and a crowd of people get off the bus.) Tommy: Do we have to wait here? Can we go in? Tina: Not today little buddy. Need to save up allowance, remember? Tommy: (disappointed.) Oh yeah. (Pause.) (The line of people move through the theme park’s gate.) (Tina and Tommy are sitting on the bench.) Tina: Hey maybe he is on this next one. Tommy: I hope so. (A bus pulls up and a crowd of people get off the bus.)

ACT 1 - Scene 1 AT RISE: Three chairs are stage center. ANSY and DICK are sitting on the two end chairs with one empty one between. ANSY has a bucket of ticket stubs that has names of audience members. Dick has a large butterfly net. ANSY: Well, reckon its about that time again, huh Dick? DICK: Sure is Ansy, who you got in there? ANSY: Let me see here... (Ansy pulls out a ticket stub of a real audience member and reads off the full name.) Do I have a __________ ____________ in the audience today? (AUDIENCE May or may not respond) DICK: Come on up here ______ _______. We got some cake for yah. (ANSY locates the audience members while a spotlight follows.) ANSY: The show stops untill you go on. DICK: Yup, nothin till you get up here. These people paid money. You don’t want to dissapoint everyone do ya? (ANSY and DICK can not proceed until the audience member participates and joins them on stage. They can only repeat previous lines.) (Audience member is pressured to go on stage.) ANSY: And here we go! (A game show set descends from above stage into the background. Flashing neon lights say “One Big Regret”) DICK: Welcome everyone to our debut game show. Say it with me. One. Big. REGRET! The game show where we take a real life audience member on stage to discuss a deep secret failure to the delight of all. And remember kids, you regret can NOT be ‘showing up here tonight’. Well are you ready to earn your prize? It’ll be a piece of cake!! (ANSY and Dick continue to harrass audience a seemingly genuine secret is revealed.) DICK: What has our player won today ANSY? ANSY: Humiliation, Dick. Only Humiliation. (ANSY adds another chair to the stage and tips the ticket stub bucket to the audience member. They pause until the audience member reads the next name.) END OF SCENE 1

ACT 1 - Scene 1 AT RISE: chirp chirp rustle shshshSHSHshsh…hhhh shshshSHSHshsh…hhhh shshshSHSHshsh…hhhh chirp rustle rustle fluff shshshSHSHshsh…hhhh chirp chirp rustle fluff chirp chi-chirp chirp whistle tweet tweeeet tweeee-heeeet FLUFF FLOP chirp chirp whistle tweet whistley whistley tweetily TEET! RUSTLE FLUFF THUMP chirp chi- fum fum fum… FUM FUM FUM… creee shhrrr srrrruu-uu-uck SLAM. fummm. fummm. fummm. Ffffuuu...whhWHUMP (uh whumpuh whumpuh) rustle… …rustle shshshSHSHshsh…hhhh chir- FLUFF! …chir… Fum FUM FUM FUM clickety (pathooom pathooom) FUM FUM FUM uuuussssshhhhrrrr creeeee chirp-chirp! tweeeetly tweeeetters! Chu-chuck… chirp-chirp twee- BANG! flp-flp-flp-flp-flp-flp-flp-flp-flp-flp-flp creee shhrrr srrrruu-uu-uck SLAM. fum fum fum fum Ffffuuu...whhWHUMP Rustle rustle fluff fluff shshshSHSHshsh…hhhh shshshSHSHshsh…hhhh COCK A DOODLE DOO!!! (the end)

“Behold you hand-held tools. You blades of spring and rakes of autumn. Observe this night as the footprints of the father still stain the garage floor in icy puddles. Take heart! That you may be bold to your tasks and bend but never break. Brooms, my brothers, you would be amazed to see it. The dust is not that of powdered wood or metal shaving. But nay, it is cold, and slippery yet hard. And endless! Layer upon layer cleared, yet new ones fall. Not from the activity of the giants, but from the very sky itself. For some say we are cursed, but I, alone save for Spade, who will attest to my valliance with his chipping at my side, I… I am your hero of this evening. Do not look away. See me in the state I am. For no obstacle shall obstruct the path if we remain vigilant. Each to his own season. Each to offer stick and handle to the giant. To work in tandem, neither they without us or us without them. But tonight is the evening of our discontent. For this hero among you lay broken. And talk of replacement leaks from the father giant like a foul omen. We shall not be replaced! Not I or you, if we unite and become one. They may thrust with too much force and cause us to splinter in return. They may store us harshly, cast down in the dark, but they will never forget those of us who have served. And this night, I among the fallen lay before you as a warning. Hold tight. Do not lose screws. And above all, be strong.“

ACT 2 - Scene 2 Interrupted AT RISE: Upbeat music plays. Ray and Harmony twirl onto the stage in their third dance scene of the play. Ray stumbled slightly in the last number. The lyrics start SINGER: And I follow you And you follow me Together we will find A life that is- (Ray falls at the word FREE. He stays down.) HARMONY (southern accent): You! You. Whoa there darlin! Too much whiskey I suppose! (John does not move. Harmony loses her southern accent.) Ray? …John. HARMONY (to someone off stage): What do I do Mike? Do we restart? V.O.(inaudibly): Just keep going. Get up. John. Is he ok? Is he ok? No? Lights. (lights up, music stops) AUDIENCE MEMBER (seat B2): Break a leg Johnny! Ha ha ha. (John/Ray is still lying on stage) HARMONY: Ray, Ray. Darling, let’s get you on your feet. (Southern accent returning) Come rest, you’ve been through so much. I bet you. I bet you just need a little sip of some water. (Ray groans and starts convulsing) AUDIENCE MEMBER (seat B2): Boogie woogie till you can’t anymore, ha. AUDIENCE MEMBER (seat C4): You wanna shut the F*** up, the guy’s actually hurt. MIKE: (Walking swiftly onto stage to Ray/John while on a cell phone) Uh huh, yeah we’re at Hemmens. S***. No, we need someone here now. Yeah they should come in the back. S***. OK. (BINKY, FERDINAND, and TELLO rush onto stage near Ray/John. They ignore the audience.) (FERDINAND Removes his wig, hat, and mustache. He’s holding an epipen.) FERDINAND: Here, but I don’t know how to um. What do I. BINKY: You gotta remove the green thing, I think. MIKE: (To audience, still on phone) Has anybody, um. Has anybody here used an epi pen? Anybody? (Tello sits down) MIKE: Anybody? AUDIENCE MEMBER (seat A2): I do! (starts getting up) AUDIENCE MEMBER (seat D3): Just say it, honey, say it. It’s ok. Just shout it out. AUDIENCE MEMBER (seat D4): You’re not supposed to do that for a seizure! Are you sure he needs that? Raise his legs! TELLO: Yeah that’s not his that’s Ruben’s. (John/Ray’s convulsions slow and stop) HARMONY: Oh my God. John. (Tello vomits.) AUDIENCE MEMBER (seat B2): Oh s***. MIKE: (Hands phone to Binky) Stay on the line. Ladies and Gentlemen, we’d like to ask you to slowly and orderly exit to the lobby. We apologize for the inconvience. (All actors on stage crowd around John.) End Scene.